When I was younger, maybe 5 or 6; my older cousins used to say that when I grow older, "Maza zasu sha wahala" (men will suffer) lol. Well aunty, look who's suffering now….

I got my first love letter when I was in primary one. It was a Monday afternoon when Udo handed me the folded paper, it was closing time and I was eager to get home. He didn't look tensed, or anxious, he wore so much confidence on his face that I started to shiver inside. I took the letter and hurried home, afraid that my friends might see the letter and expose our little secret. I was close to the house when I reached for the letter, opened it and started to read. My whole body tensed, my heart started to beat extra fast, it was a love letter. And it was the cliché love letter,

"How are you and how is your family? I hope everyone is well, if so glory be to God. I .........."

There goes your typical love letter, and ofcourse I don't remember the words, I was a baby.

Anyway, I quickly tore the letter into tiny pieces and threw them into the gutter. I was afraid my sisters would see it and scold me, I was so afraid and angry, why would this boy who was also my seatmate tell me he likes me, what did he even know about love. I went to school the next day and told my friends what the silly boy did, we all agreed to hate him. Oh! How childish of me, I get a handwritten love letter and I go ahead to lose it, if only I knew how much I'd come to cherish such gestures...

Well, Udo never stopped trying and I never stopped saying no.

When I was younger, I wanted to own a diary so bad. I found this jotter, it had strings that made it look like a book, it was green with plain lines; I made it my diary. I wrote down every weird thing I didn't understand, every crush I couldn't overcome, every emotion I couldn't express. I guess that was when I discovered my love for writing. As I grew older, I tore each page out, afraid that someone would read it and find out I have a crush on a boy in church called Jay.

Israel's letter came in after prep, he sent it through a junior student; alongside fried potatoes with lots of pepper sauce. He was one year my senior, and he liked me. I don't remember the content of the letter, but it made me smile a lot; this time, I didn't tear it up and throw it in the gutter. I folded it neatly and kept it safe. I liked Israel, he was cute and nice, he was also neat and above all, he wrote me a letter. But what did a 14 year old know about boys and love letters...

Love visited me four years later, when I was scrolling through Facebook. It left me six months later,and found me again the next year.

Love visited me in the most unexpected way, and this time it came with another letter. It sat with me, talked to me, it listened to every word I said and paid me every mind, sometimes it paid too much. Unlike Udo and Israel's letter, I know this one by heart. On days when I'm sad, I search through my file, dig it out of it's envelope and read it.

"To my baby girl"

It says.

But love comes and love goes and so my older cousins were wrong, it is me who is suffering.

And, Friendship breakups are the worst. I am not a good person, and I am not an easy person to love. If there are 50 good people in kaduna, I am not one of them. But! Story for another day, let's go back.

Have you ever cried because the one person you talk to everyday is no longer available to listen to you, so you have to talk to yourself? No? Okay have you ever felt that tight knot in your chest that refuses to go away, so you cry silently because there are people everywhere and they cannot hear you crying; I mean how do you tell them you're crying because of a boy. No? Have you stayed up all night to watch a tragic love story that will make you cry because then you have a reason to cry and your pride is still intact? No? When heartbreak comes, I hope it doesn't stay the night.

Love visited me again during the day, it felt different, new. I am still learning to nurture it, but I do hope it stays a while.

This is an attempt at writing a love poem, I hope it makes sense...

When love happens again,

I hope you welcome it with glee,

That your heart was broken by Femi, doesn't mean Ola will be a monster,

He might be worse

But when love comes,

I hope you let it envelope you, like the love letter in my wardrobe

I hope it stays,

I hope it stays,

I hope it

When love happens again,

Teach it how to love you,

In your own language,

A is for affirmation

W is for words

And T, well T is for trying again

_Ed

Hey you,

We got 105 subscribers yeeey! I mean all these people are going to check their mails and see my letter, our letter just sitting pretty. Half the time I don't know what I'm writing, but I'm doing it because a year ago, you believed in me. Despite my inconsistency, you still show up and support me. I love you so much and I promise never to take this support for granted. Cheers to you for being here, and to me for being so awesome lol.